


Never A Winchester

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: BUT I DID DO A GOOD JOB I THINK, Dean Winchester - Freeform, Demon Deals, Not Really lol, Reader Insert, Sorry again, Suicide, Supernatural - Freeform, for a contest, help me, it wasn't my fault, okay first up angsty angst, some blood, sorry - Freeform, sorry bout that, supernotnaturalcas
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-05-16 07:50:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14807256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Yay for my first Supernatural fic! This was written for a contest hosted by @supernotnaturalcas. They’re really cool and you should totally check out their blog!Flashbacks in italics and separated by a border. Thoughts are in italics as well.Summary: Reader gets her sister hurt on a hunt, Dean blames Reader. Reader then does anything to get her back. Maybe a little bit of Dean x Reader (because I’m a slut for Dean-bean).Warnings: Description and mentions of suicide. Angst, angst, even more angst. Angsty angst. Also maybe a little bit of self depreciation (if you squint). It’s kind of a undertone. Light description of violence (mentioned in passing). Cursing.Prompt: “Fear doesn’t shut you down, it wakes you up.”-Divergent





	1. Chapter 1

“What the fuck, Y/N? You were supposed to protect her!” Dean’s voice echoed through the hospital hallway. You looked around to see if anyone was watching.

“It’s not my fault! How was I supposed to know the gun was going to jam?” You shoot back, tears running down your face. “It wasn’t my fault.”

“You were supposed to do something! Anything! You were supposed to help her!” He started pacing. You fidgeted with your hands, not knowing what to do with them. 

“Dean,” you said, looking around, “Dean, just quiet down. You’re attracting attention. I know-”

“Know what, Y/N? You know what? Because your sister isn’t supposed to in a coma right now because of a spirit. Because of you.” He stared at you, positively livid. You got scared that he was going to punch something- but his hands just fell to his side. “You got Alexandra hurt. Real bad, Y/N. And no amount of apologizing is going to fix that. Do you know what I hear at night? Do you know what Sam does now that his girlfriend is in the hospital? He never leaves her side, which is more than I can say for you, because otherwise we wouldn’t be having this conversation. And-”

“Dean!” Sam interrupted from inside the hospital room. “Dean, something’s wrong. Go get someone.”

Dean stood up, already walking away. “Don’t think for a second that we’re done here, Y/N.” He didn’t even look in your direction

“Don’t worry, I won’t,” you muttered darkly. You stood up and made your way to the bathroom. Once you got there, you broke down crying.  _ It wasn’t my fault! She shouldn’t have tried to take it on by herself! _ You sobs echoed through the room. Thank god that no one was here to listen to you break down. You tried to pull yourself together.  _ It’s okay, Y/N. Alexandra’s going to make it. _

Stepping out of the stall, you washed your face with cold water to help with the puffiness around your eyes. An idea hit you. Grabbing your stuff, you rushed out of the bathroom. You didn’t think about what was happening, or what could happen. You started running down the hall, pausing only to fish your keys out of your duffel. Slinging it back over your shoulder, you took off running again. You would make this right. You had to.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_ It was just supposed to be a simple salt and burn hunt. A milk run. Setting out from the bunker in your respective cars, your sister electing to ride with Sam in the Impala, you met around lunchtime at a diner.  _

_ You were mostly silent during lunch, sitting across from Alexandra and Sam with Dean. Devouring your burger, you listened to the conversation. _

_ “So what is this supposed to be?” Alexandra asked, slurping the rest of her milkshake.  _

_ “It’s a spirit, from our best guess. Nothing too hard. We’ll just burn the bones and be in and out really quick.” Sam smiled at her.  “A milk run. Easy.” _

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Squinting your eyes against the bright sunlight of the parking lot, you crossed quickly to your car. A beautiful 65 Mustang, red with white racing stripes. Opening the trunk, you stiffened when you saw Alexandra’s bloodied flannel lying on her duffel. Closing your eyes, you felt around until you found what you were looking for. You shut the trunk. Opening the car door, you slid into the driver's seat and checked in the case. Everything was there in the box as you had left it. 

Perfect.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It had been five years since you and your sister had met the Winchesters. 

Five lonely, goddamn years.

The first time you met them, it hadn’t necessarily gone well.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_ You and Alexandra had come across the Winchesters on a hunt. It was a small one, a simple salt and burn hunt involving a vengeful spirit and a flying spatula/waffle iron.  _

_ Afterwards they had invited you to a drink at the local bar. _

_ Once your sister told them her name, though, it was all over for you. You just sat back biting your tongue, and watched as they fawned over her and completely forgot about you. It was a long night. _

_ Getting up, you nodded at them as you banged your fists against the table and walked out into the night. They took your cue and followed you out, still talking. Leaving them on the porch, you started walking and opened the driver’s side of your car, a ‘65 mustang. Cherry red. Sam waved and continued smiling and talking at your sister. Dean stopped you by the arm. “Hey, where are you going?” he asked with a smile. _

_ “The motel,” you answered tiredly. “No one will care, so that’s where I’ll be.” _

_ “Ah. Okay.” Dean frowned. “Goodnight… um… goodnight-” he snapped his fingers. _

_ “Y/N,” you snapped. “It’s Y/N. Not that you would have payed attention, but it’s Y/N. I’m sure that you were so enamored with Alex over there-” you jerked your head in her and Sam’s direction- “that I was probably a waste of time. Goodnight. I’m sure you can’t wait to give her a ride home in that sweet ride of yours. She’ll tell you where we are.” _

_ You got in and closed the car door sharply. Rolling the window down, you leaned an arm out. “Goodnight Dean.” _

_ “Y/N, wait!”  _

_ You didn’t pay any  attention to him. Sure, it was rude blowing him off like that, but that wasn’t your fault. At a stoplight, you banged your head multiple times against the steering wheel. “Ouch,” you muttered, holding a hand to your forehead. _

_ Why, why was it so hard to be noticed? You hated that about yourself. It was both a blessing and curse, you fading into the woodwork like that. Once there had been a time when you had tried to be social, be noticed for once. You had put on makeup, laughed, and interacted with people. Actually having a good time and laughing, for once in your life. Then your sister had pulled you outside sharply by your arm. “Y/N,” she hissed at you. “Y/N, what the hell are you doing?” _

_ “Being social,” you shot back. “I’m having a good time, Alex. They like me. I like them? What’s wrong with that? It’s not illegal, is it?”  _

_ “What’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with that? Everything! Everything, Y/N! It’s not you! You should just stop trying. It’s not like they’ll miss you, anyway. Just go back to the motel. I’ll finish up here and walk back. Just stop.” _

_ “Alex,” you pleaded with her. “Alex, take that back. You don’t mean that. Alex!” _

_ “Yes I do. Now go. I’ll meet you there.” She turned away from you. “See you soon.”  _

_ After you had driven back, you had scrubbed at every inch of your face, trying to get rid of the makeup and the feeling of the argument. What was I thinking? You wondered. Alex was right. I should have just stayed home. _

_ You shook the memory from your skin. After parking your baby, you unlocked the room and walked in, hanging the keys on the coat hanger before looking into the mirror and collapsing. You rolled over and over trying to find a comfortable position until Alex walked in. Without looking at you she said, “Thanks for abandoning me back there. I know I’m really drunk-” hic “- and probs won’t remember this, but honey, you can’t do this to-” hic “- family. We’re sisters, remember? Oh, and-” hic “Dean says he wants to see us again. ‘Specially you. Dunno why. I was always the-” hic “- pretty one. Sammy’s pretty cute though. I got Dean’s number for you, though-” hic “in case you want it. I don’t see why- Sammy’s much cuter. Oh-” hic “- looky here, I’m rambling. I’m really tired- I think I’ll go to bed. Night, Y/N.” _

_ She fell asleep without even changing, sprawled across her bed. Any other night you would have helped her, washed the makeup from her face, gotten her into different clothes, but not now. _

_ Rolling your eyes and turning over to face the door, you tried to drift off to sleep, ignoring the smells coming off of your sister. It didn’t work. _

_ Hours passed, and sleep didn’t come and dim your eyes. Finally you got up. It didn’t matter, right?, and there was always another case. _

_ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ _

_ Three djinns, one werewolf pack, and three vamp nest later, Alex and Sam were in a relationship, and all of you were living in the bunker.  _

_ You liked living at the bunker just fine. It was a home, and none of you were going to give that up. It didn’t hurt that the water pressure was amazing, and you had a real kitchen. That always happened to belong to Dean, except when you were in there. Then, no one was in there, but you always made meals for four. That always happened in other rooms, too. _

_ You couldn’t remember how many times you tried to start a conversation, only to be shut down or excluded.  _

~~~~~~~~~~

_ Life wasn’t easy with the Winchesters, not by a long shot. Even though you started living in the bunker a couple months after you met them. Even though you lived there for four years. Even though Sam and Alexandra were dating. _

_ Especially since Sam and Alexandra were dating. _

_ Everything in life revolved around her- her and the brothers. She was the life of the party, the one who everyone liked. It wasn’t your fault that you didn’t want to try to steal some of the spotlight. You just figured if they wanted to talk to you, they would do so. But they didn’t. _

_ Most of the time, your interactions with the Winchesters were short at best. And while they were somewhat tense, you appreciated them. Mostly. _

_ You were at a table with Sam in the library, reading up on the latest hunt. A pontianak, you thought. There were a few mentions in dusty books, so Sam turned to the internet while you continued reading. No one moved. No one talked. There was just silence. _

_ And that was fine with you. How were you to talk to your sister’s boyfriend? You didn’t want to ruin whatever semblance of friendship there was between you, so even as the silence grated at your ribs, you didn’t talk.  _

_ You desperately wanted to say something. You hated the silence.  _

_ “Sam-” you tried to say. _

_ “Hey, Alexandra!” he called out, not even paying attention to you. “I think I found something.” _

_ “Yeah, Sam? What is it? Did you figure it out?” Your sister appeared from behind a stack of books. “Did you figure out how to kill it?” _

_ “Yeah. So get this…” _

_ You sighed and pushed back your chair. Heading to the kitchen to get something to eat, you found Dean getting lunch ready. “Hey,” you said. _

_ “Hey, Y/N,” he said, not looking at you. “I’m making burgers. Want to help?” _

_ “Uh huh,” you said, falling into a rhythm at his side. You were quiet for a couple of moments. Dean made no move to talk to you. “Ugh, Dean?” you asked. _

_ “Mmm?” _

_ “Can I ask you something?” _

_ “Yeah.” He dried his hands with a hand towel. “Anything. What’s up?” _

_ “Well, I was just wondering about well, whether you want me around or not. I mean, Sam doesn’t really pay me attention, Alexandra never has time for me-” _

_ “Stop.” Dean cut you off. “Y/N, of course we want you here. I know it might not seem like that at times, but we need you here. Honestly, who else would make sure that we don’t get our heads blown off? And-” he smiled, “you make a mean cherry pie. So don’t worry about whether or not we want you here. We do. I do.” _

_ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ _

It was a short drive from the hospital, only about twenty minutes. It was eerily quiet as you drove, never seeing another car. It was almost as if someone knew what you were going to do. 

Or something.

You stopped the car engine and sat in the driver’s seat for a moment, lost in thought.  _ It’s going to be worth it. I promise, Alexandra. I swear it upon my life. _

_ I swear. _

You were shaken from your revery by a passing car. Looking around to make sure there were no more cars, you took the box from the dashboard. Getting out, you made your way to the center of the intersection. You took a deep breath before you grabbed a spade from the box. You knelt in the middle of the dirt road.

And dug.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_ Dean looked at you, practically snarling at you. “Goddamnit, Y/N! How did this happen?” _

_ “It wasn’t me! It was the werewolf, ok? It’s not like I can magically shoot the damned thing when I’m up against the wall fighting for my life! Sam jumped in the way! I tried my best!” _

_ “Well, obviously your best isn’t good enough.” Dean said this quietly. You shrank back from him. That was scarier than if he had been yelling at you. “Y/N, I want you here, but not at the cost of Sam.” _

_ “He was only knocked out! And yeah, maybe he needs stitches, but all in all, he’s in one piece.” You thought he was overreacting. “Dean, maybe you need to calm down. We saved those people back there! That’s our job. Sam knows that.” _

_ “What did you just say?” _

_ “I, ugh, I-” you were suddenly losing confidence with the look he was giving you. “I said Sam knew what he was getting into.” As soon as you said it you regretted it. _

_ “Sam knew what he was getting into? Are you fucking kidding me right now? Sam knew what he was getting into.” Dean laughed bitterly, shaking his head.  _

_ “Dean-” _

_ “No, Y/N. You know what? Why don’t you leave so you don’t get anyone else hurt? That would be a weight off my shoulders.” _

_ “You don’t mean that.” You pleaded with him. Wasn’t only a month ago when he said that he never wanted you to leave? _

_ “Yeah, I do. I don’t want to see your face ever again.” He turned away. “I’m giving you three days to pack up and move out.” _

_ “Dean-” _

_ “You got him hurt. I don’t know whether I can forgive you after that.” _

_ “Dean! Please don’t do this. Not to me,” you practically begged. “Not to me. Please.” _

_ “You got scared, Y/N. We can’t afford that on a hunt. You got fearful and it nearly killed Sam.” _

_ “That’s totally unfair! Wasn’t it you that said that  _ **_fear doesn’t shut you down, it wakes you up?_ ** _ Or was that some kind of lie you told me because you wanted to make me feel better?” _

_ “Maybe it was.” He mumbled, turning away so you couldn’t quite catch it.  _

_ “What did you say?” You had heard him perfectcly, but you couldn’t believe that was what he said.  _

_ “I said, maybe it was!” Dean’s volume was raised. He turned away from you and started to walk out of the room. When he was almost out, he looked back to where you were standing in stunned silence. He paused, his mouth slightly open, as if he wanted to say something. When he spoke next it was in a whisper. “Maybe it was.” _

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman’s form materialized into being behind you. “Well, if it isn’t the great Y/N. I’ve been waiting for you.”

You stood up, wiping your dirty hands on your flannel. “You have?” Your voice was shaky, and you fought to keep it under control. You swallowed hard. “Why would that be?”

“It’s the same story, over and over again. You Winchesters… always running to make a deal when someone close gets hurt.” The demon’s eyes flashed red. “I should know. I keep close tabs on your family.”

“I’m not a Winchester.”  _ I’m not good enough to be one. Obviously. _ Dean had made that clear enough. 

“Oh, but you are. And a Winchester’s soul? I’m not going to let  _ that _ slip through my grasp.” She cocked her head to the side, surveying you. “Oh, I like this one. Feisty, but you got your fire burnt out. That’s my favorite.”

“Enough with the small talk,” you said with a steely voice. “If you know what I’m here for, then let’s get on with it.”

“Oo, a woman of business.” The demon crept closer as you keep your eyes straight ahead. “I like it. Alright then. I’ll give you… three days. That’s more than enough to say your goodbyes, right?”

_ It really isn’t _ , you thought. But you couldn’t let this deal slip through your grasp. You spoke. “I accept.”

She laughed dryly. “I didn’t actually think that you would take me up on that! But I forgot how desperate you were.”

“Let’s get on with it.” You said. The demon stepped forwards, her eyes glowing red. She grasped your face with her hands and gave you a soft kiss, sealing the deal.

You looked at the demon. “Is it done?”

She snapped her fingers and nodded. “It is.”

“Good.” You stepped away, wiping your mouth on your sleeve. 

“Oh, and darlin’?” The demon said with an evil smile.

“What?” You asked, obviously annoyed.

“Don’t forget to ask Dean about hell.” She snapped her fingers and disappeared.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“ _ Don’t forget to ask Dean about hell _ ,” you said in a mocking voice as you pulled into the hospital parking lot. “Well, that might be a  _ slight _ problem as I’m not sure he’s speaking to me right now.” 

Opening the door and squinting in the bright light of the parking lot, you headed back in the hospital building. As soon as you entered the building, you headed straight to the main desk and back to the room. You ran down the hall until your reached her door, and then slowed down. You stood waiting outside until you summoned enough courage to go inside.

When you stepped inside, you were greeted by Alexandra sitting up in her hospital bed. Dean was standing up next to Sam, who was sitting in the only chair next to the bed. Dean was saying something as you stood quietly in the doorway. 

“I knew you’d pull through. You’re a Winchester, through and through. Sam did good. I’m proud to call you a Winchester.”

“Thank you, Dean. You’ve got no idea how much that means to me.” Alexandra reached out for Sam’s hand, but stopped as soon as she saw you in the doorway. “Y/N!”

“Hey, Alexandra,” you said, sitting at the edge of her bed. “Are you feeling okay?”

“Still pretty banged up, but that’s to be expected. Sam says the emergency surgery go really dicey, but I pulled through. The doctors described it as a miracle.” Alexandra sighed. “But mostly I’m just glad I’m back safe and sound and mostly in one piece.”

“Me too,” you said, you eyes darkening at the thought of having to leave her. “Me too.”

“Where were you?” Sam asked with a questioning look. “I sent Dean to try and find you after the surgery, but he couldn’t find you.”

“I was- I was- ahh, taking a drive. To clear my head.” You stammered out. “I was just super nervous and I need some fresh air.” Dean’s eyes stared into your. Crap. He always knew when you were lying. Sam and Alexandra didn’t notice.

“Oh, well, if that’s all it was.” Sam said.

“Y/N, can you and I talk outside for a second?” Dean said, walking out the door before he even gave you a chance to answer. You followed him out into the hall and a ways down to a bench. 

“You didn’t go for a drive, I take it?” His voice was accusatory, almost bitter. Like there was some sort of sadness and  _ was that pain? _ in his voice. You didn’t answer- you just stared at a spot on the ground in front of you. 

“I should have known.” Dean spoke again, breaking the growing silence. “Alex died in surgery. The doc said it was due to too much internal bleeding. They couldn’t do anything.”

“She what?!?” You hissed, looking Dean in the eyes now. “Does she know? Does Sam know?” He shook his head. “Oh my god.”

“Y/N, when she came out the doctor looked at me funny and told me that when she died, she came back without any bleeding. Nothing. Not even a scratch.”

The demon had done her job well. “I don’t know how that happened,” you said. “Maybe one of the angels or Chuck healed her. I’m telling you though, if you’re suggesting that I made a deal, then you’re wrong.”

“So where did you go then?” He flung back at you. “What to explain that to me, before anyone else gets hurt?”

“I went to a church,” you said, eyes brimming with tears. “I sat down on the front pew and I prayed. To God, to Cas, to anyone. I don’t know. Maybe they heard me and healed her. But if you’re suggesting I made a deal, Dean, then you’re wrong.”

“The angels have been silent for weeks, Y/N.” 

“That doesn’t mean that it couldn’t have happened! I don’t know anymore, Dean! I’m just as lost as you! Maybe even more so,” you said, getting up and walking back down the hall to Alexandra’s room.

Thank god Dean hadn’t seen through the ruse.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three days later.

_ Tick, tock. Tick tock. _ The watch on your nightstand sounded the repetitive noise over and over again. It was comforting, in a way.

“Tick, tock. Tick, tock.” You mumbled, cleaning out your gun. “Tick, tock. Thirty minutes. Tick, tock. Tick, tock.”

The minutes crept by. You could hear the hell hounds in the distance, but you weren’t going to let them touch you.  _ Tick, tock. _ They were getting closer. You knew what you had to do.

_ Don’t forget to ask Dean about hell, _ you though miserably.  _ Can’t wait. _

“Tick tock.” You repeated bitterly. “Time’s a-wastin.”

Your notes was all written out. 

Grab the gun. Loaded, cocked, safety off. Good.

One last thing to do.

_ Tick tick tick tick tick tick _

Boom.


	2. The Letters

_ Dear Dean- _

_ I love you. Never got to tell you that. Oh well. Didn’t have time for a lot of things. We’re the older siblings, right? So keep them safe. Keep your chin up, kid. And keep your nose clean. Don’t forget me, please? Okay. Okay. I love you. Thanks. For everything. I won’t forget the bars and the crappy motels and the times you let me drive Baby. Listen to our song, please. Love you. _

 

_ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ _

 

_ Dear Sam- _

_ I know I wasn’t supposed to go this soon, but then again, neither were you. So. Just think of it like a blessing in disguise, hmm? Can you do that for me? And can you- just, take care of Alexandra for me. Oh, and Sam? Make sure the ring’s a nice one. Iron, maybe. Go punch ghosts in the face for me. Take care of my baby sister, please. Please. _

 

_ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ _

 

_ Dear Cas- _

_ Maybe you won’t get this. But please, please please please take care of them. I’m not saying you won’t be hurting, but keep Dean on a straight out suicide watch. And Alexandra. And Sam. It wouldn’t hurt. You always were very kind to me. Go get ’em, tiger. _

 

_ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ _

 

_ Dear Alex- _

_ I’m sorry. I saved you. I’m sorry. _

**Author's Note:**

> okay so that was a ride and if you're here thanks for reading! would anyone be interested in seeing the notes? or maybe the aftermath? hell yes? heavens no? purgatory maybe?


End file.
